”Do whatever the fuck you want, just don’t hurt people.”
Admiral P.S Mason
“What do you want?” My friends asked me when we had a therapy session in Malty Grouse. After one sip from the pint, I told them about my dream of having a lifelong partner and living happily ever after. There was silence. Then I said that one of my friends told me I should forget that shit. I should take a lover or two. If I´m smart, I should take one lover for each need. One to comfort and be your confidant. Other for cultural events and having stimulating conversations. The next one is for fun and spontaneous actions, and finally, one is just to fuck and hard.
I told my friends that I was confused about what I should want. It was painfully clear that my lifelong partner’s dream was not getting me towards the happy ending with love—only ending with a receipt. The last seven years’ relationship was given the best electronic receipt ever.
“He gave me a warning“
On Sunday, we made love, or at least I was making love. Finland won the Ice hockey World Championships, and he went to Germany on Monday. Next week he called and gave me a warning. He thinks there´s no future for the two of us. Then an email came. He said I was a significant person to him. So important that he finished the seven-year relationship with an email. The end.
”But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough.”
”What do you want then?” They asked me again after the second round of pints. Then I pondered out loud about the book I had just started to read. “The end of love” by Eva Illouz. Analysing the end of love, you´ll understand the meaning of relationships nowadays. They begin with physical attraction, but the endings reflect our society. My end of love was an ideal example confirmed by a professor of sociology. Lifelong relationships are out of fashion. What you want is now in.
“My life before; it was the most fulfilling illusion of love”
“I know what I would like to want, but I don´t know whether it is possible,” I told them. “What do you think about relationships then?” I asked. One of my friends is thinking of a threesome, and the other already has an open relationship. My rosy lifelong partnership was starting to smell like a one-night stand with a rubber and fishy sweat. I felt uncomfortable even thinking someone was touching me because I still was in love with my life before; it was the most fulfilling illusion of love. I can´t even touch myself and give satisfaction without a feeling of betrayal. I have had moments with my hands, but it ends with crying.
“The second fuck will take me to the oasis of dicks”
The other day, I had a phone conversation with my brother, and he reminded me about not losing my sensitivity. It is the loveliest and most valuable quality I have. It´s a gift that was almost taken away in this life before. He also told me that the first person I was going to fuck would end me crying afterwards. The second fuck will take me to the oasis of dicks, and the third will be the one to share the life.
“What do you want me to do to you?”
“What do you want me to do to you?” was asked when we made love the last time. I hated that question because when you´re in the middle of an intense climax of emotions, you don´t want to think. You just want to feel everything about him, me, and live in the moment. I tried to tell him just fuck me, but I think that was what he was doing. First time in our lifelong partnership, I faked the crying in the end.
The first time when we made love, I cried and all the other times, from the bottom of my heart. He taught me in the email that not every “I love you” is real. I taught him neither is every cry. I just fucked him at the end of love.
What do I want, then? I don´t know yet, but one thing I know. I don´t want to just fuck. I want to make love.