Shop til´you drop

Shop til´ you drop


Compulsive buying disorder or oniomania is a way of coping with emotions and avoiding unbearable pain.

I had pain, and the price of it was what I owned. What is left is debt and trauma.

The pain came from trauma, creating destructive behaviour and increasing pain. My unfulfilling run started inside a squirrel cage. I went into the cage-free willingly, but he, in the life before, unknowingly held the gun and triggered a memory of my childhood. I had pain from it that I thought I didn´t have anymore. I´m such a happy camper!

Then a piece of dark, vicious music started in my life.

My most important mission was to save my mum. She was in a toxic relationship that sucked the life out of her. I wanted her to be happy and safe from the violence happening too often in our kitchen. I was afraid in my room and scared that he would kill her. After listening for years, at the age of nine, I was brave enough to go there in the middle and stop it. Then a piece of dark, vicious music started in my life. Starless and endless nights, Tchaikovsky´s violin concert was playing from the record player, cries of help were lieder from an opera, and the powerful percussion section of falling furniture was my goodnight sleep story. The next day the conductor was tired, and the home needed to be silent. Players were trying to follow the music sheet, but mistakes happened—well-deserved moment to use conducting baton to beat the misbehaviour out of the concertmaster. I learned to read the notes fast and saved the evenings by playing the most beautiful music that the conductor and concertmaster wanted to hear.

“Nothing is good enough. You are not good enough.”

I didn´t have a home where you could have two arms holding you tight when you´re at your worst, but my comfort was music. There is no need to say anything; play as you feel or would like to. No one sees or knows your pain, but you tell it by playing your emotions in notes. Silently crying and the secret of your sound gets a lot of praise. You were only accepted when you expressed your needs beautifully. There´s no note left in the bar for mistakes. But when you get older, you realise that you´re living a music life where nothing is good enough. You are not good enough. A void big as a black hole was growing in me.

“Then, one day, I met him, and he filled my void completely.”

The Kiss
I have composed a good life from this. My piece of music is very colourful and full of love and hope. One night we laughed with my fellow musician and agreed, “life carries you, but music gives you wings.”

Then one day, I met him, and he filled my void completely. My adventure of a lifetime, the life before, the love of my life, and he behaved like the conductor. He unknowingly had an invisible baton and soundless percussions, and I couldn´t sing the lied because I didn´t want to. I learned his piece of music very fast, but I made mistakes because I was too jazzy. I thought in life, a mistake is an opportunity to create something extraordinary that would not be done without it. I loved him and tried to play the most beautiful way I could, but he didn´t want to hear because “ sport saved me from the music.” He didn´t know anything about the music, so I started to buy, fill my need for understanding.

“A mistake is an opportunity to create something extraordinary .”

We couldn´t finish our “Unfinished symphony” because it´s not meant to be completed together. A relationship is not a doctor-patient relationship between two people. It´s composed to be a duet with two independent voices delicately melting together, bearing each other’s vibration and creating one beautiful tone, the sound of love.

We said goodbyes today. I feel pain, but it´s not unbearable. I have to finish my Symphony, and he has to find his music. I hope he´ll find it from the bottom of my heart.

Shop till you drop, but I didn´t drop. I trembled painfully, and my wounds will heal better in the sunlight. I found my music again; it is colourful and full of love and hope.

Sharing my story is not seeking attention. Actively processing my childhood wounds openly without shame is not living in the past. It is how I am healing and is one of the bravest things I have ever done.

suhteet mieli puhutaan-rahasta rakkaus
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