Dear depression…

Today’s post is a little different. First of all, as you can see, I’m writing this one in English. A few people have requested that I did a post in English and today my brain just happens to have a good ”English day”. Not to be forgotten, English isn’t my first language, though…so there will be a lot of mistakes…grammar nazis stay away, please. 

I don’t feel like writing a lot of unnecessary bullshit right now so I’m just going to post some screenshots of a convo I had with one of my dearest online friends today, some relatable memes I found from Instagram, ”short” extracts from my diary and other weird photos….do enjoy! 

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Extracts from my diary:

”I’ve been told that my life would be easier if I didn’t analyze myself all the time but I can’t help it because I just want to find an explanation to why I always feel like there’s something wrong with me, that I’m not alright…that life could, in fact, be easier and better than this.” 

”I don’t know what I’d supposed to be like, I just know that I’m not supposed to be like this…All the time I have this feeling inside of me that something is wrong and I have to actively fight that feeling.” 

”I’ve decided not to harm or kill myself…or try to kill myself, I mean…I don’t really want to die, I just want to shake people up and get some space without all the responsibilities. I have many thoughts about harming myself. It brings me satisfaction but disappointment follows immediately after…It’s not worth it…I don’t want to criticize myself even harder than I already do. I think that the pain and the scars are beautiful…I won’t ever regret them…but there’s nothing beautiful about the inner suffering.” 

”I even criticize myself of how I cut myself…the cuts are never deep or long enough…or there’s not enough of them. But the pain silences all my thoughts even if it’s just for a little while. I don’t want to hurt anyone around me. It’s just me that deserves the pain.” 

”I know there’s nothing wrong with me, that the problem is just in my brain and that it can be treated. I say ”it” because I don’t know what this ”it” is…depression? Bipolar disorder? Something else?” 

”Antidepressants keep my depression and anxiety symptoms under control but this is what I’m like without them. People have told me that I don’t seem depressed but of course I don’t, I take antidepressants daily…if I seemed depressed, the treatment clearly wouldn’t be working, duh.” 

”Nowadays I just try to survive to the next day. It’s a good sign that I still want to see another morning. I’m a fighter.” 

”I know that I’m nothing special. Others go through similar difficulties. Maybe I’m being just a whiny brat but I won’t quietly wallow in this bad feeling. I don’t even know if there’s anything concretely wrong with me or am I just delusional but the symptoms are still real to me.” 

”I went to the pharmacy and to the gym. It made me forget everything for a while but on the way home I started crying again and I was gasping for air.” 

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So this is what today was like for me. I quite rarely have bad days anymore. I’m doing okay now since I went to buy more antidepressants and took them earlier this evening. I still decided to stay over at my mom’s, just in case. I hope there’s better days ahead for all of us. Let me know if you want more posts in English! It’s time for this girl to get some rest. But first let’s end this on a positive thought….

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Much love xoxo

-Alisa

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