Roots & the endless possibilities that create anxiety

So how did i end up here? Let me tell you.

For the first 19 years of my life i lived in a town called Mikkeli. It is one of those places one might call growing in a box. I liked it and i hated it as any kid would. I think it’s a part of the whole hometown thing. And when you leave you will see the place you grew up with new eyes and perspective. It’s the same with travelling. You have to leave to really appreciate the place where you came from. At least for me, i’ve noticed that i have a whole new respect for my roots after spending years abroad.

So i started my path in Mikkeli and knew i would have to (and wanted to) leave as i wanted to study somewhere new. My entire high school career i was dead set to go to law school. After watching too many tv shows about the life of a lawyer, reading about the wrong doings on this planet and kicking ass in everyday life, i thought that this would be the obvious choice next. And it would be highly approved by the society as well. I mean in Finland law school is somewhere up there with med school. Prestigious, hard to get into and pays well after graduation. Little did i know though… When i opened the first entrance examination book for law school i was bored. Never before had i read something that was putting me to sleep after one page. I read the first book and decided to choose something else. At that moment i chose my passion for nature. I chose biology.

My first stop was in Jyväskylä. I got into the university and started studying biology. Ever since i was a kid i’ve been fascinated by nature. Learning latin names for birds was something me and my sisters did every summer. Climbing trees and observing the nature around me was exciting. So i thought that “hey biology sounds like something i might be interested in.” The first half a year of studies went quickly. I learned new things, met new people and one of them is still a close friend of mine. But when the new year came and my second semester started, i felt like i needed a break. After studying my ass off for more than 12 years i needed something new. I needed to think what to do with my life (oh btw i still think about this). I put biology on a break and headed somewhere new.

In Finland, we are given a million opportunities. We can be almost anything we want if we put our minds to it. My issue has always been my interest in everything. This has made it hard for me to choose what i want to do with my life. I’m afraid i will choose wrong and then one day realize that i don’t like what i do. With all these opportunities how do we choose the one for ourselves? My dad has told me he always knew he wanted to be a doctor. He aimed for that and became one. Sometimes i wish it was that easy for me as well: Knowing what i want and then going for it never doubting my decision. But to this day i still struggle with the opportunities i have. I want to do either all of it or none of it. I have tried to do it all at once working 20 hours per day. I have worked 3 different jobs at the same time because i didn’t want to lose the opportunity to learn and improve myself. I have made radical decisions that have completely changed the course of my life. I have moved my life to the other side of the globe and started new. Yet i’m still lost with all the possibilities. Only difference is that now i might be lost but i feel good about being lost. After working in different fields and studying a bit of everything i’m more confident in being lost. I know that i will find my way although it might take some crashing and burning to get to my good place. I’m not afraid of making choices and i know that i can always choose again even though it might not seem like i can. I have learned to trust my heart and go with what my gut tells me. I have learned to enjoy the little things in life.

To be continued…