Late night thoughts
The highlight of my holiday was undoubtably last night when I truly tried my best at going to bed early and getting enough sleep (my sleeping cycle is a mess at the moment) but still laid woke in my bed 4 o’clock in the morning. Great job Heli! I don’t even know why I couldn’t get any sleep like I wasn’t even speculating all the possible effects BREXIT could have to the immigration policy of UK. Of course I had thoughts running through my head, mostly self-centered but still I kind of regret that I didn’t write them down. I remember mostly analyzing the reasons for my self-critisism because lately I’ve noticed that some of my loved ones might be right: I am way too hard on myself. My immodarate self-critisism was the main reason for a short-term burnout I had this autumn, right after the Matriculation Examination. At first I didn’t even want to admit that I had trouble with all the things I had going on at the time and it was sometimes an actual challenge for me to get out of bed in the morning. Not in the way like ”oh I didn’t get enough sleep so I’ll sleep for a few hours” but more in a way like ”why would I get up, there is no reason for it”. At some point it became hard just to get through the day and people actually were asking me if I was depressed. (which I think was mostly because people STILL in the year 2016 don’t understand the whole concept of depression)
These were the themes I pondered last night. I also got to the part where I searched for a cause that has led to the self-critisism that is constantly eating me away. One of the reasons might be that instead of processing my feelings, failures and adverties I come by, I figuratively shove them into a box and throw the box to the back of my head and continue doing my daily pursuits. I fill my calender up with all kind of chores and meetings so I don’t have any time for feelings or that sort of things with the ideology ”Out of sight, out of mind”. Again, great job, well done Heli!
A couple of months ago I came across an old dear hobby of mine; writing. Something I haven’t done in ages because I alledgly had no time for things like writing. Yes, I’ve occationly blessed the Internet with my unnecessary blog posts but I have not actually written anything. Any other teenager could also write about their travels and how they’re doing but I feel like writing is more than words put one after another. At its best, writing is about solving dissonances one has with himself or herself. When I was younger I had a habit of writing stories as a way for me to process the world around me and also to escape the reality (not that I had much to escape from). Lately I have written a lot of stuff like poems, short stories, argumentative texts etc. (not all of them are even ment to be published at any way, ever). Last night I came to a conclution that at some point I lost myself somewhere between the person I really am, the person I want to be and the person who others expect me to be. When I started to write again I started to understand myself better as well. I began to toy with the thought that writing could be the key to finding myself. I’m not talking about ”finding myself” in a way that some people consider to be the ultimate purpose of life, no. When I’m talking about finding myself, I mean finding out my weaknesses as well as the things I’m truly capable of doing so I can stop imposing unreasonable requirements to myself.