notes

i hope i could explain your eyes

as the hallway so wide you don’t know where to walk

usually i close the window not until i’m just about to go to bed

but that night i don’t

someone knocks my ribs and no one answers

i know norah jones

muscle by muscle i long

you greasing my feet in the middle of the unfinished night

when it’s too hot to sleep

but it’s always nice to put the charger back in its socket after a trip

wondering if you’d need it with you soon after all and

smile

 

maybe he’s rushing back home right now that he could let me know he’s available

so i’d suggest we’d meet and then we’d meet

and he could keep on pretending he didn’t care

and little by little he’d stop pretending and see I’ll always suggest

and just didn’t care anymore or

did and showed it to me

or maybe he’s not even giving me one thought

maybe he’s hard to reach

maybe he’s scared

i still hope he’d let me know anyhow

i’d say let’s go home for a change

 

 

Suhteet Rakkaus Ajattelin tänään Syvällistä

gogol

img_6122.jpg

I never believed I would adapt at all in such a religious city like St Petersburg. I didn’t first understand why there had to be so many churches, and all of them so massive. So the holy spirit would fit better and feel himself home too? Why an earth all the saints in the icons had another foot peeking out under the gown? Maybe they all were feeling hot and that would ease it. That’s what I accidentally said out loud the first time he took me to St Isaac’s cathedral, and at that time the Foucault’s pendulum wasn’t there anymore so maybe the holy spirit had felt the climate change too and needed now an actual fan. By now I can ask, how is it possible that so many different artists are able to capture the same kind of feeling in their work. I still wonder, after all this time.

I wonder if the artists had such moments I had once in the subway station where there was a saxophone player but I couldn’t see him but only feel his music bubbling in the air. I didn’t have a clue where the music came from and a second I thought I was the only one who could hear it. Maybe the artists have that too, only in continuum. Maybe they have the skills like that painter in Neva and the skin of a saint, the urge to feel not too hot but not too cold and a continuous, bodiless voice in their heads.

The carving “K & K” in that one pine in front of the cathedral hasn’t gone anywhere. The pines are historical monuments as well and they even have fences around them so I figured then this carving was supposed to be a silent protest and to stain on purpose the tree almost as huge as the church. The carving reminded me of “KFC” or “M&M’s” so I think it made itself clear. Were the artists noble in their minds or did it need a little bit of rebel to create spiritual art?

I still walk by Gogol quite often. Gogol was the place where I used to read all the time and he used to read as well and then we would have tea and peanuts and a conversation afterwards. I learned to use the phrase “as well” that one time he ordered coffee and after a short hesitation I ordered coffee too and then we got three coffees. I then learned to drink tea and he was proud of me because I never said how funny it would be to read Gogol in Gogol. I know I will be blinded again by the neon lights which don’t suit with the churches at all and I will still be annoyed of those elders with their microphones and green vests. I know I will run into that old gentleman in the subway and he’s going to offer me his seat and I will be an outsider one more time in those quick, longing looks passing by me in the escalator. I don’t mind that anymore.

Hyvinvointi Mieli Matkat Syvällistä