Aiotut vanhemmat – Sijaissynnyttäjä sanakirja

Niin kuin useimmat varmaan jo hoksasivatkin, meidän ja Jenniferin välinen kommunikointi on ottanut harppauksen eteenpäin reilun viikon takaisesta eskaloitumisesta. Tuosta yllättävästä käänteestä avauduin täällä http://www.lily.fi/blogit/matkalla-perheeksi/lost-translation.

Kiitos jälleen kaikista kommenteista ja myös Pientä puhetta – postauksen sydäntykkäyksistä, jotka tulkitsen tsemppauksiksi (ehkä joku tykkäsi vain siitä suloisesta piirroskuvasta, no tykkäys on aina tykkäys :)).

Mitä sitten tarkalleen on tapahtunut tuon puhelinkeskustelun ja blogipostauksen jälkeen…

Aivan ensimmäiseksi kirjoitin Jenniferille meilin. En mitään ylettömän pitkää, mutta halusin selittää ja selvittää muutaman asian. Ensin ajattelin postata tänne lyhentämättömänä sekä minun että hänen meilinsä, mutta se on jo hieman liikaa avoimuttaa jopa tähän blogiin. Joten tyydyn tiivistämään kirjeenvaihdon parin teeman ympärille heittämällä sitaatteja meidän yhteydenpidosta (minun osa ensimmäisenä, Jenniferin toisena). Ai niin, ja pahoittelut kirjoitus- ja kielioppivirheistä.

Kulttuurierot

I also realize that our communication cultures are very different. We (Finns) don’t know small talk and are also not very good with feelings and so on. This might come across as coldness or lack of interest. I am sorry for that, but at the same time emphasize that is not the case! As I tried to explain to you, I have been asking how to ”deal” with pregnant women and almost every time the tip was not to be too pushy… 🙂 And I guess this is where the cultural differences kick in. Being pushy in Finland is very different than in the States I suppose.

I didn’t really think of the cultural difference that we would have because there wasn’t a language barrier. Learning that Finns are not one for small talk is new to me but gives me a better understanding of what type of conversation your used to. I do over analyze things a bit more then I should and I really try not to. But it does happen and I will try to be more mindful that not everyone is as emotional as me.

Alkuraskaus

Then, I (naturally) went through all our messages and where things have got wrong. I do admit, that I didn’t answer right away to a few texts. I apologize for those. The reason being, that I was bit scared about the pregnancy and how I felt the roughness of it came as a surprise to you and I was afraid you were actually regretting the whole process. I am unfortunately good to postpone things I can’t handle.. hence the delay. I think we have never talked about this before, but in general – doing international surrogacy is a big deal. A huge deal. And very scary as well. This is also why we decided to do this in US, why we chose to pay more for the Chromosome testing etc. just to do our everything to avoid any disappointments in the later stage of the process. It just could be too much to handle (and this is the moment, when I get the tears in my eyes…). That is why we have been keeping our feet so firmly on the ground, that sometimes it is even ridiculous. That could also be the reason, that we weren’t much living the pregnancy. However, we didn’t appreciate enough that while we tried not to think about it, you were living it 200%! I realize it now and I really apologize it.

Being out of the first trimester is a huge relief for me as well. I was also surprised by the intensity that is takes to establish the womb for two babies over just one. When I would text you about the rough days that I was having it was because I didn’t want to give you the false idea that everything was a piece of cake. I see your wanting to hold back on conversation because of the fear of the unknown, I guess I just didn’t see it that way. Both my children were planned and conceived on the first attempt so I never had to think about not being pregnant or what it something went wrong. I never had a doubt in my mind that we would have to go through more then one IVF cycle or anything else. It was probably me being naive also. We are very fortunate that it is working in our favor.

Tulevaisuuden yhteydenpito

Finally I can only try to convince you that we have been thinking about you, your family and the babies a lot! Also what you said about the future, I already dream about a trip to go visit you with Bob, Rosa and my sister, who is our egg donor. That would mean the world to us to have you in our and our babies’ lives as Aunt Jennifer  in the future, but again – I was not sure how you feel about this!

The idea of Aunt Jennifer warms my heart! :) Bob and Rosa will be spoiled by their Hawaiian/American family no matter where we end up.

 

Kuten mainitsin aiemmin, otin yhteyttä myös sijaissynnytystoimistoomme. Heiltä en saanut paljoakaan konkreettisia neuvoja, muuta kuin yleistä tsemppausta. Sinänsä olen hieman pettynyt, etteivät he ottaneet meihin yhteyttä siinä vaiheessa kun Jennifer oli asiasta heille puhunut. Vaikka Jennifer oli erikseen pyytänyt, etteivät he meille asiasta puhuisi, olisivat he mielestäni voineet kautta rantain kysellä miten meillä menee ja vinkata kuinka alussa sijaissynnyttäjille hormonit ja alkuraskaus ovat hankalia. Ja ylipäänsä – olisihan se ollut meille muutenkin mukavaa, että he olisivat kyselleet miten meillä menee.

To be honest, we were completely surprised and obviously would never want to make her feel like that. I realize this ”relationship” with surrogates and intended parents is complicated and I guess you have quite some experience of different kind of communication issues between these two parties. So, while we try to do our best to improve the situation (not exactly sure how, but I guess just openly talking about it with Jennifer), I would like to ask some tips from your side based on your experience?

The relationship between a surrogate and intended parents is new for everyone in this process and can take some time to find the right communication style in each match…and then hormones and other side effects of pregnancy can come up that cause changes to how each side feels like communicating too! I think the most important thing going forward is exactly what you mentioned, keeping communication open with Jennifer. Honestly, I think your visit in person will be so helpful as well. I find everything gets easier in interpersonal relationships when the communication is happening in person. I hope this is helpful! It’s difficult for me to give specific advice not being a direct part of your communication with Jennifer, but I do know that you and xxx (mieheni) are kind, wonderful people. I think this pregnancy has sapped Jennifer’s  energy more than she was expecting, but I would expect your visit to be exciting for everyone and really help bring you all together through to the exciting day when you get to meet your babies!

 

Olen todella iloinen, että saimme hieman puhdistettua ilmaa, kalibroitua kommunikointiamme ja selvennettyä odotuksiamme myös tulevaisuuden suhteen. Odotan innolla tulevaa reissuamme Kaliforniaan, siitä kirjoittelen pian enemmän!

Tekstit ovat suoria lainauksia yhteydenpidostamme, paitsi Jenniferin nimi muutettu alkuperäisestä.