Hi there!

If you’re reading this post right now, I have a piece of update information for you! I changed my blog to this new website, so from now on you can find me here in Lily.fi. So are you ready for the new post?

I feel like everytime I could start my text with ”It’s been a while since I wrote the last blog post”, as there are so many things happening in my life right now. But this time I don’t want to start my post that way. Because it’s boring. And I don’t really have to apologize for being buzy or having such a hectic life. That’s just me.

However, this blog post is not only a story about my buzy life, as you might have noticed the caption. Yes, this post is about my summer job and Language Travel with EF (Education First). For those, who don’t know what EF is, a short explanation. EF is a Language Travel agency, which focuses on international education, study abroad, language learning, cultural exchange and academic programs. The courses are targeted especially for youth.

I have participated in an EF Language Course myself when I was 15 years old. It felt super nostalgic when I applied for EF to become a course leader. So I got the job and also got to know the destination, where I would travel: Torquay, United Kingdom. Exactly the same place where I was 9 years ago as a student! Woah! So let’s see how the whole trip was!

DAY 1

We started our trip from Helsinki airport early on Monday morning (the flight was supposed to leave at 8am so I needed to be at 4.45am at the airport!). Yup, I barely could sleep the night before the departure. My group consisted of 26 students and me. At first, it felt a little chaotic to control all the students and make sure everyone got through the check-in, security check and passport control but eventually we made it.

At the Gatwick airport everything went pretty smoothly, even though I couldn’t get my UK sim card working. Luckily we found our EF bus and were headed to Torquay. The weather was pretty bad during the first days and I have to admit that including the tiredness I felt a little down as I felt I had so much responsibility all by myself.

In Torquay we were welcomed with happy smiles and high fives by the senior managers of EF Torquay. We spent couple of hours in an EF Riviera Center playing games and chitchatting. Everyone was pretty exhausted after the travelling so I was very glad when our host families picked us up. Honesty talk: When I arrived in my host family’s place and got to go to my own room, I started crying. I think I was just so overwhelmed by everything. I was actually pretty surprised of my reaction. I think it was somehow a small culture shock for me to go in a foreingers’ house and be in such a different environment. Anyhow, I just thought to myself things will get easier when I get to rest and settle down.

DAY 2

First official school day is here! My host family mom Ellen drove me to the EF school and there I met my activity leader. Again, I could feel the information flood coming up. There were many things we needed to organize; gather our group together, collect bus money from the students, make sure everyone is in the right place, share some information about the upcoming events etc.

Luckily I had a small break between the activities so I had a little walk in the center or Torquay. It felt so amazingly nostalgic, as I walked through the shopping streets and could see the same shops like nine years ago.

After the students had their first lesson, we had the Orientation Walk through Torquay. My activity leader leaded us through the town and shared some great tips about the most important places the students needed to know. After that the students were supposed to go back to their host families and have dinner.

From the very first day, my routine was that after the afternoon activities I stayed in the center and went shopping. This was the best therapy for me after the super buzy days.

The last evening activity started always at 7.30pm at the ”Big Wheel” (Ferris Wheel). On Monday the activity was EF DISCO! This was maybe the best activity in my opinion, as we leaders got to dance on the stage (including other duties).

Typically I was back at my host family’s place after 11pm. If I my team had ”town duty” We would stay out until 11pm making sure the kids were safely back home (as their curfew was at 11pm). This meant I was in bed around 12am…ZZzzz

DAY 3

As I don’t want to write a marathon text, from now on I will summarize all the activities that happened in one day.

Morning activity: EF Lounge.
This was also my and also most of the students’ favorite activity, as they could either stay at the lounge for chilling, go shopping or have a coffee in the center. I of course was walking in the center making sure that the kids were okay and mayyybe shopping a bit.

Afternoon activity: The students had school and for the leaders it would mean either organizing and planning some activities, meetings or free time. We had leader meetings every Monday, Wednesday and Friday so this Wednesday we needed to meet at the EF school. After the meeting I went to search for a gym, as I really felt I needed some true ”sports therapy”. So I found a great gym pretty close to the EF school (Castle Fitness Torquay) and let me tell you: I was absolutely in heaven. Good workout, good mood.

Evening activity: Host Family Evening. This was a chill evening for both the students and the leaders as we could just stay ”home” and rest. Very, very useful activity.

DAY 4

Morning activity: Students had school, Siiri did a workout! This morning we also had a photoshoot for the EF class pictures.

Afternoon activity: Kents Cavern. Thus was also pretty nostalgic, as I visited the same place 9 years ago. Kents Cavern is a prehistoric cave, home of ancient humans, award winning visitor attraction in Torquay – with tours, shop, cafe and visitor center. It was cool to go there and have a taste of ancient history!

Evening activity:EF DISCO! Shake it Shake it!

DAY 5

Morning activity: Bowling! This was a great start for the day, as a competitive person that I am I looove all kinds of sports games. I think the students also enjoyed this easy-going activity.

Afternoon activity: EF Staff meeting. Siiri’s gym workout.

Evening activity: Murder Mystery! We met again at the Big Wheel at 7.30pm after that the students were supposed to walk around the beach side and interview the ”suspects”. They had maps so that they knew where the different characters were. In the end of the activity, the student were supposed to state the guilty one. This was a fun activity, but at least in my group (which included about 70% French, 15% Italian and 15% Finnish students) I felt that all the activities were kinda like ”controlled chaos”. Well, at least I think they had fun.

DAY 6

Saturday was dedicated for the Quaywest Waterpark. We spent a nice day there, even though I could feel my throat getting sore.

In the evening we also had a water activity called Splashdown Party. As I felt a little ill, I chose to be in the optional outdoor activity where the kids could play various games. Even though I felt ill, I got excited about the outdoor activities and so I instructed a fitness class for my students. It was great fun, but the next day wasn’t that fun…

DAY 7

Sunday was called ”The Choice Day” and the students could choose between EF Beach, EF Arena or a trip to Plymouth. I was named to be in an EF Beach Team. As the weather turned out to be pretty bad (raining all day), we decided to give the students some spare time in the morning and go shopping in the center for couple of hours. While the kids were shopping we leaders were planning what we could do for the rest of the day with the group.

As I was feeling pretty ill (sore throat and maybe a little fever) I suggested to go to the movies with some of the students. So we went to watch the newest Men In Black movie. The movie was great, but I began to feel even worse and my fever rose. I was so happy that we had host family evening on this day, as I just wanted to go to my host family’s place and sleep.

DAY 8

In the middle of the night I woke up with a terrible stomach ache and feeling nauseous. I ran straight to the toilet and started throwing up. And throwing up. And throwing up even more. Until there was nothing in my body.

When I woke up (well I couldn’t really sleep during the night) I felt horrible. I tried to stand up but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even drink water as I felt so sick. Imagine : having a fever, sore throat, flu and stomach bug at the same time. Not nice.

On this Monday we were supposed to go to Exeter with our group but unfortunately I had to give up on that. Luckily there were some other leaders, who could back me up. So I stayed in bed for the whole day and tried to rest. I had never felt so nauseous and weak.

DAY 9

Morning activity: Luckily on Tuesday I felt a little bit better already so I decided to participate in the morning activity. This morning’s activity was the EF Beach Club at the Babbacombe Beach. It was a nice and chill activity as the students could just play games, do some water sports and take it easy.

In the afternoon I needed to fill in some Leader forms and plan how to collect the money from the students for upcoming activities. Otherwise, I just tried to take it easy.

Evening activity: EF Talent Show. This was a super exciting activity as the students got a chance to show their talents and perform on the stage. It was great to see how amazing skills many of the kids had. So proud of my Finnish students! <3

After the Talent Show I had the Town duty, which ment that some of the leaders needed to walk around the town and make sure the kids were safe home. I wasn’t still feeling very well, but you got to do what you got to do.

DAY 10

Morning activity: The students had school and I went to my happy place: GYM! I know I wasn’t still completely healed but for the sake of my mental health I did a small workout. Damn it felt good!

Afternoon activity: Before the afternoon activity, I needed to collect the London money from the students so they get to see all the possible sights in London. These tasks demand lots of planning from the course leader, as you need to make sure that all the kids are happy and they have enough time to pay the possible activities they want.

After that we needed to rush with my activity leader to the bank. We had literally 10 minutes to go to the bank, leave the money and meet the students at the Big Wheel for the next activity. We made it!

Afternoon activity was called the Battlefield Laser Games. This was actually also one of my favorite activities, which was surprising as it was kinda like live Counter Strike. Basically we were divided into two teams and we had to run around and try to shoot the opposites. Crazy fun!

Evening activity: Host Family Evening. Chilling out, taking it easy.

DAY 11

Last day in Torquay!

Morning activity: EF Lounge. The students could go hanging out in the center or stay at the lounge. Nice!

Afternoon activity: Graduation! First, the kids had school but in the end of the classes they had their graduation party, Woop Woop! We leaders were preparing everything for them before the actual graduation started. Okay, have to admit, I also did a small gym workout in between. No excuses.

Evening activity: Last EF Disco. Party partyyy! I literally danced on the stage for 3 hours straight as I didn’t have any other duties. Was sweaty as… 😀 After the disco I also went to hang out with the other leaders at the ”Spoons” to have a last ”Unicorn drink”.

DAY 12

London calling! I woke up at 5.30 as our bus left at 6.30 to London. I was sooo looking forward to the London trip. It’s definitely one of my favorite cities in Europe.

Around 1pm we arrived in London and got to see our hostel. As we couldn’t check in then, we went to walk around the city. I was nice to walk and get some fresh air while admiring the beautiful sights of London.

We had booked the London Eye in advance so around 6pm we were headed there. It was as great as I renembered. You could see the whole city there!

Rest of the evening was just chilling at the hotel and gathering some energy for the next day.

DAY 13

Best. Day. Ever. SHOPPIIIING!!! Let me tell you, as a shopaholic that I am, the center of London is my heaven. So basically, in the morning we were divided into two groups, those who went to Madame Tussauds and those who went shopping. Guess were I was.

We had around 6 hours for shopping, but I had to be constantly aware were the students were even though they had plenty of free time. Anyway, I really enjoyed my freedom for once as I walked (or ran) down the streets and could go anywhere I wanted. I was also happy to see how the students enjoyed shopping.

In the evening EF had booked us a table in an Italian restaurant so we had a nice dinner together with our group. After that we were headed back to the hostel.

As some of the students wanted to go sight seeing later in the evening we decided to go see the Tower Bridge. That was a nice ending for the trip. I got some amazing pictures there!

DAY 14

Back to Finland!

Our flight was supposed to leave at 6.50pm from the Gatwick airport so we had some time to spend in London before leaving. Some wanted to go sightseeing and some wanted just to chill close to the hotel.

Our bus came around 2.30pm and we started our trip back home. Everything went pretty smoothly, until we arrived in the airport. One of my students had lost their passport…well, what can you do. We tried to search from all of the luggage but we couldn’t find it.

I could have panicked. I could have cried. But I didn’t. I knew that this was the time when my students need me to be the adult and take care of everything. So I called the Finnish EF office, local office, my student’s host family, contacted the info desk, flight attendants and another EF Staff member but no one could help us.

While we were trying to figure out the passport issue, I needed to keep in my mind that there were 25 other students waiting for my instructions. I gave them the booking numbers and told them to do the check-in together and make sure everything is right. If they weren’t sure about something they could ask me.

As the others were doing their check-in, I realized we didn’t need the passports to do the check-in as there was the similar flight company and our personal information was saved on the computers. This way we could do the check-in for the student, who didn’t have her passport. Of course the flight attendant had to call to Helsinki and make sure that the student is allowed to fly back to Finland without the passport. Thank god it was all good!!

Rest of the trip went pretty smoothly (even though there was some extra weight in many of the students luggage including me, I was sweating my ass off and the flight was a little delayed.)

When we landed in Helsinki I can’t even describe how happy I was that everyone was safe and we made it! At the same time I felt extremely wonderful and a little sad, as we had to say good byes. My Finnish Team was amazing and the students were super independent and brave! Proud of you guys <3

Now, with plenty of new memories I will end my post with positive thoughts. I learned a lot during those two weeks, but in the end I have to say I’m happy to be back home and continue our wedding planning.

Wishing you amazing week! <3

Think pink,

💖: Siiri

(PS. If you want to check out some cool pics from our trip, check my insta @siiri_m)

Stop.

Whatever you’re doing, just stop.

Stop for a second and think how much social media affects our daily life and poisons our self-esteem and body image. Yes, this will be one part of the post you’re reading right now. I would be lying, if I said writing this post was easy. Because it really wasn’t.

This will be the most personal and intimidating blog post from me and honestly I’m not sure, if it is a good idea. But well, what the heck. I already started writing.

In this post I will try my best to ”summarize” my so called Fitness Journey and share my experiences about fighting for body positivity.

Let the story begin…

I’ve always been a sporty person and had several sport related hobbies ever since I was a kid. I have tried track and field, tennis, cross country skiing, basketball, badminton, football, dancing (show jazz and hiphop), downhill skiing, rollerskating, snowboarding and basically all those typical hobbies you can imagine.

Sports has been a way of life for me, not an extra activity among other hobbies. I’ve also learned to be naturally competitive, due to the fact I have competed in several sports like track and field and cross country skiing. However, I have always had mixed feelings towards competing with others, as I loved to win and challenge myself but on the other there was sometimes too much pressure to handle. I usually preferred team sports, as there I would feel I am part of something bigger and I can share the joy of physical activity with others.

Training at the gym stepped in when I was 15 years old. Back then it was more or less serious, mainly training at school’s physical education classes. Ever since I started high school (at the age of 16) I joined in a new fitness center and got my first ”real” training program made by a personal trainer. I didn’t really have any specific goals, just wanted to stay strong and healthy. Thus, the training plan was pretty basic, simple movements for the whole body. Anyhow, I can still remember I had some kind of ”obsession” with training my abs (I blame the social media and the illusion of the ”perfect” body). Back then I could do more than 1000 abs during one workout! Craaaazy.

Even though 16-year-old me didn’t really have a clue what would be the ideal way of working out, I somehow managed to build muscle strength, endurance and flexibility. At the same time when I joined into the gym, my mom and I started attending the group fitness classes. Our favorite class was definitely BodyCombat. This was my first touch of the amazing group fitness world. The BodyCombat class became our weekly tradition and even when my mom quit her gym membership, I continued going there on my own. Summarized: My workout plan consisted of 4-5 gym workouts and 1-2 BodyCombat classes in a week. Kinda ideal I would say. I also used to dance back then, so I had couple of dance lessons in a week too.

I followed this kind of training program for a couple of years and was kinda pleased with it. Then something happened.

A little background information before we go deeper. The next thing I will share with you is really sad and straight-forward. I have never ever been satisfied with myself, neither the inside, nor the outside. I can still remember the days at the primary school when I would look at myself in the mirror and think I am fat, ugly and I should kill myself. Just think about it. A little 9-year-old little girl having that kind of depressive thoughts. Of course I didn’t tell anyone about it. I was just too afraid to admit I had some serious problems with my self-esteem. Maybe it was partly because of my young age and the fact that I didn’t realize that kind of behavior wasn’t normal. In my opinion I was also way too shy, quiet, nerdy and stupid (even though my grade point average was always above 9.5).

At the age of 18 I decided I will never want to hate myself again. NEVER. AGAIN. Maybe it was about the pressure of becoming an ”adult” or some kind of identity crisis before the twenties. I wanted to change my whole life. Now that I was an ”adult”, I could do ANYTHING. It started bit by bit with changing my routines, training plan, thinking and eventually my whole behavior. My goal was to finally be happy with myself, inside out. It wasn’t completely about ”looking good” or loosing weight. No. It was more than that. I wanted to truly find the person who was hiding inside me.

There were many factors that affected my behavior. My relationship (back then we had been two years together with my boyfriend), friends, hobbies, work, school and the fact I was interested in modelling and beauty pageant competitions. I also had my matriculation examination in the last year of the upper secondary school, which made me really push myself to the next level. All these factors in my mind I created a new way of life, which I thought, would support my dreams.

So I started to live my so called dream. I had my new perfect routines that were ”super healthy” and a way of thinking that made me push myself everyday harder and harder. I was living in my own perfect bubble. I did feel good though. The Les Mills group fitness classes became basically my religion and I started to crave more and more cardio. It felt so amazing.

At the same time I didn’t notice that other people started worrying about me. They saw that I had lost a lot of weight and was really pushing myself and striving for perfection. I didn’t see the difference. I thought I’m just like most of my friends and family – fit, sporty and healthy. I was so deep in my own bubble that if somebody would mention that they were a little worried about me or ask me if I’m okay, I would either deny everything or get extremely mad. I didn’t understand why others couldn’t see my perfect and healthy way of life.

The perfect and healthy way of life didn’t last for a long time. Soon my dreams became my obsessions. My routines became my enemies. Even though there would be a smiling girl in the picture, the truth would be a suffering girl inside. I knew if I wanted to keep going like that, I would need to push myself even harder to actually achieve the lifestyle I was dreaming about.

Still, I didn’t realize how everyone else saw me. Thinking back, I feel so tremendously sorry for my friends, who tried to help me back then and pull me back to the reality. Not even mentioning the dearest and loveliest person in my life, my boyfriend, who tried his best to help me and basically keep me alive. I have to say, without him, I don’t even know if I would be here anymore.

No matter how hard everyone was trying to convince me to seek for help and go to a therapist, I refused and continued to ”live my dream”. I would be a liar I would say I didn’t notice any differences in my health. In the beginning things were perfectly fine, but at the age of 19 I started to have arrhythmia and other heart related complications. I could also notice my hair get thinner and nails get weaker. But in my outer looks I still didn’t see any difference. In the picture above I even thought I was a little CHUBBY. Well, well…

I didn’t really check my weight that often, because I knew I would still not be satisfied. No matter what the scale would say. At some point I had this rule that the number of my weight had to start with a number 4. But whenever I would weigh for example 48 kg, I would still feel fat.

From what I know my lowest weight has been 41 kg. As I am 167 centimeters tall, it means that my Body Mass Index was 14,7 and valetudinarian according to a BMI calculator. However, these numbers didn’t mean anything to me, as I saw myself in the mirror as the chubby girl.

I had never really been thinking about others’ opinions about me or paying attention to negative comments, but during my hardest years, every single negative comment would make me torture myself even more and feel very insecure about myself. I couldn’t get over the mean looks and comments that would pass by me at school. I was secretly crying in the bathroom and thinking what is wrong with me.

Even though sports was one factor that made me obsessed about my looks and my healthy lifestyle, on the other hand it was my savior. However, I claim, I didn’t make any conscious choices of becoming healthier or changing my routines, but bit by bit I started to allow myself things. I began to feel sorry for my boyfriend for doing my weird routines and being so obsessed about working out. I wanted to make sure that no one around me was worrying about me and feeling bad about me or my health. Again, I had an extremely bad conscience about being captured in the bubble, as I know I made all the closest people around me so unhappy and concerned about my behavior.

One of my biggest dreams had been becoming a group fitness instructor. Ever since I attended in the first group fitness class (somewhere in the secondary school) I decided, that one day I want to be that person, who is instructing. I participated in my first group fitness education course in 2013 and after that I was instructing some classes more or less frequently. Getting the chance to start instructing my own ”real” group fitness classes in the first gym was a total dream come true. At the same time I started to wonder, how will my own group fitness instructor identity be like? Could I to be the role model for somebody? What does it require from me?

So, becoming a group fitness instructor was a guiding light for the balanced lifestyle. I realized, if I want to make other people around me feel good about themselves, I have to make sure I also feel good about myself. Inside out. Thus, I started to get more confidence by not paying attention to negative atmosphere around me and by contrast, spreading positive vibes around me. What you give is what you get.

How ironic it sounds, becoming a fitness competitor was also one of the most important saviors for me. I know that the ”fitness boom” evokes various opinions, both negative and positive. The whole fitness trend is referred as a ”permissible eating disorder”. But I also know, that in my case it meant regular eating, training, sleeping and taking good care of myself. Thanks to the bikini fitness experience, I finally learned for the first time in my life to eat properly and regularly. It wasn’t easy, but I really pushed myself again to learn a new way of life.

While the bikini fitness journey was an exciting and instructive experience, I still messed it up. Even though the competition wasn’t a long time ago (in the beginning of October), I think I have grown a lot from that. I tried my best to make things work, but I still didn’t  manage to do everything right. I had too many irons in the fire.

From the beginning of the year I tried to balance with all the school stuff, AKA doing my teaching practice, master courses and master’s thesis, working in four different jobs (related to group fitness instructing and promoting), going to two different Les Mills basic education courses, travelling, meeting with my coach and trying to make sure I train, eat and recover perfectly. Well, the latter one didn’t quite pull off, as you can perhaps imagine. I was so exhausted all the time that I didn’t even recognize my tiredness anymore. Again, no matter my coach, friends or boyfriend would say, I just kept pushing and thought everything will work out.

Well, as it turned out, it didn’t. Few hours after of the competition, I actually realized how hard and challenging the whole bikini fitness journey had been. I felt devastated. I just cried the whole day and couldn’t get over the thought I had totally humiliated myself and messed up everything. I had messed up my whole life. Everything. Such a loser.

I felt pretty depressed a couple of day after the competition and didn’t feel like talking about it ever again. I felt super shitty if somebody asked me: ” How did it go?” or ”Did you win?”. Nope, I did not. I didn’t feel myself at all, even working out didn’t feel nice. But again, sports was eventually my savior. My dear group fitness classes pulled me back to the reality and made me feel like myself again. I really made my love my job even more, when I actually realized how much the fitness classes and people there mean to me.

Thinking back, the whole journey has been a wonderful teaching experience. I learned whole new sides of me, both physical and mental. Everybody does mistakes. And if you never do any mistakes, you never learn. Close to the competition I posted a picture on Instagram, which said:

” The past is your lesson. The present is your gift. The future is your motivation.” This will be the beginning of my new way of life.

No regrets, as they say.

Think pink, 💖: Siiri