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Ruoditaanpa taas ihmisen omia varjoja, niitä pimeimpiä puolia joita ei halua nähdä itsessään.
Lueskelin näitä ja tunnistan itsessäni joitain piilonarsistin piirteitä.
Silent treatment: itsekin vedän luukut kiinni eli mökötän, jos huomaan että toisella on massiiviset puolustusmekanismit pärähtäneet päälle. Yleensä en vastaa mitään hyökkääviin monologeihin. Saatan myös käyttää mykkäkoulua rangaistuksena, jos olen loukkaantunut jostain. Silloin myös pihtaan läheisyyttä.
Withdrawn Nature And Emotionally Unavailable: Olen myös yksinäisiin puuhasteluihin vetäytyvää tyyppiä, ja minulle on vaikeaa muodostaa syviä merkityksellisiä ihmissuhteita. Tai näin masentuneena se tuntuu siltä – ehkä se ei ole kuitenkaan koko totuus. Joskus bondaan ihmisten kanssa nopeasti ja pääsen syvälliselle tasolle. Kotona opiskelu on tehnyt minusta masentuneen, ja nyt tarkkailen maailmaani masennus-rillien takaa.
Giving/Caring With A Reason: Kyllä itsekin mietin miten hyödyn toisen auttamisesta ja lahjomisesta. Autan mieluiten ihmisiä, joiden apua itsekin saatan jossain vaiheessa tarvita. Eikö se ole luonnollista ja järkevääkin? Voin myös auttaa jos saan siitä jonkin emotionaalisen palkinnon kuten kiitoksen tai hymyn.
10 piilonarskun piirrettä
A vulnerable covert narcissist tends to be more introverted and will not display their grandiose sense of self-importance. They could appear shy, modest, or as lacking self-confidence.
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1. Highly Sensitive To Criticism
In general, a narcissist can’t handle criticism and doesn’t want to take responsibility or blame for negative things. A covert narcissist can especially be extremely sensitive when it comes to criticism or feedback. Their self-esteem could be easily damaged.
With a narcissist, the sensitivity is explained by their superiority complex (a defense mechanism). This sensitivity can play out as them being very defensive when something comes even close to slight criticism. You might not even be aware that something you said could be perceived as an insult.
They also show smugness, dismiss it or respond passive-aggressively (fight). In both situations, they will not express directly and honestly how bothered they actually are by this negative experience.
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2. Passive-Aggressiveness
An important sign of a covert narcissist is passive-aggressive behaviour. The narcissist could use it for a lot of reasons such as to make them look superior, have control, punish you, seek revenge, or in order to show their frustration. A covert narcissist prefers passive-aggressiveness over actually arguing with you.
A covert narcissist could try to kill your ideas with a sarcastic response or disregard it. If you sense something is wrong and you ask them about it, they might act as if it’s nothing or not important. They will never actually explain what’s going on, although their body language or attitude will tell you differently.
Passive-aggression can be covert forms of for example anger, hostility, and learned helplessness in disguise. Examples are that they might try to sabotage a friendship, use blame-shifting, disguised hurtful jokes, the silent treatment.
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3. Blaming And Shaming
A covert narcissist could use guilt to manipulate others. A narcissistic partner could use guilt in order to manipulate, especially when the other partner is trying to create some independence. This guilt could be triggered by passive-aggressive behaviour, self-pity, or showing frustration.
Most covert narcissists have high expectations of others. Therefore, they’re likely to criticize others, gossip, or put others down. As there is a lack of empathy, they have no trouble to address adults as if they are a child or disregard the feelings and needs of others. All this behaviour clearly leads to negative energy surrounding this person.
By putting others down, the covert narcissist hopes to feel better about themselves and possibly feels superior or in control. Putting others down is a form of projection, which I will discuss later in more detail.
A covert narcissist thus shows devaluing behaviour in more covert ways than an overt narcissist. It’s very disturbing behaviour as it’s harder to recognize than obvious devaluing behaviour. They can blame you in a gentle way or behave as if they are the victim of your manipulation.
A covert narcissist can be very skilled at projecting and covertly turning things (blame/responsibility etc.) around on you. It will leave you feeling small or guilty. Clearly, this is very abusive and toxic behaviour.
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4. Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of manipulation and can be very frustrating. This form of abusive behaviour is about gaining a sense of control by avoidance, silence, and/or disempowerment. For a covert narcissist, it can be a way of expressing anger or envy. It could also be used as a form of punishment.
Some examples of the silent treatment are:
– Refusing to speak to you because you didn’t help with something.
– Ignoring you or only using one-word answers but not telling you what’s really bothering them.
– Ignoring what you are saying and not listening or showing any attention to you at all (neglecting).
– Showing a lack of touch or lack of affection.
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5. Projection
A covert narcissist is familiar using projection and projecting their feelings of inadequacy and shame onto you. This can happen both consciously and unconsciously. It’s thus important to be aware of the underlying feeling someone gives you when you interact with them. A person could appear as being kind and humble, while you feel these underlying tensions. (eli tulee todella pahat vibat jostain ihmisestä, vaikka käytös olisikin korrektia)
A covert narcissist has trouble with their own high and unrealistic standards for themselves, which can lead to them feeling inadequate. This ‘ failure’ can result in a sense of powerlessness, shame, frustration. They will project these feelings onto others by their behaviour.
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6. Withdrawn Nature And Emotionally Unavailable
A sign of a covert narcissist could be a shy or withdrawn nature, where the covert subtype is more introverted and related to more internal experiences. A narcissist has a deep fear of showing their flaws and failures to others and will avoid the chance of exposure.
The passive self-importance of a covert narcissist makes it hard to connect with others in a meaningful way. A covert narcissist will not be able to form genuine connections with others and has problems with forming meaningful relationships.
When your sense of self is based upon external validation, it’s quite a fragile situation. To protect their vulnerable self, they might need their smugness to keep a distance from others. It serves as a defense mechanism. From this vulnerability, they tend to distrust others. A covert narcissist could thus avoid socializing in order to stay away from comparing themselves to others, feeling envy, fear, or being anxious.
As a result of the above, some covert narcissists focus on antisocial and self-absorbing hobbies and work. They might avoid human interaction as much as possible and withdraw into their own fantasies.
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7. Lack Of Empathy
A narcissist has a lack of (emotional) empathy. This is a characteristic of both overt and covert narcissists. A narcissist doesn’t care for your feelings and needs and their attention will be focused on themselves.
When dealing with a covert narcissist, there will never be space or attention for your needs or feelings. Sadly, the attention will only be on the narcissist’s feelings and needs.
A narcissist can show some learned (self-serving) empathy or seem as if they are willing to help others out. This giving/caring about others, however, has an intention behind it, which I will explain in the next sign.
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8. Giving/Caring With A Reason
A covert narcissist could disguise themselves as a giver and help others out in order to get a form of recognition or validation. It might appear as if they are giving without intention, or even are empathic, but sadly there is an intention of getting something in return behind it. Therefore, they tend to give in situations in which they possibly get recognition or praise for their behaviour.
A covert narcissist will not give or care about others if they see no use for themselves in it. It’s about them and not about to whom they’re giving. Other motivations could be gaining power over others or to boost their ego.
Giving can also appear in the form of helping without asking and similarly act as if they are ‘suffering’ because of all they are doing for you. An example is a covert narcissist partner that acts as if you should feel guilty for ‘all they have done and sacrificed for you’. It’s trying to create guilt in others for their own choices and behaviour.
If you experience something like this, know it’s essential to not take responsibility for the behaviour of others.
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9. Humility / A Tendency To Put Themselves Down
A narcissist has a need for admiration and attention, and a covert narcissist could seek this validation by putting themselves down and seeking reassurance. When self-esteem is based upon others, one will search for validation, recognition and compliments.
A covert narcissist could thus modestly share their achievements in hopes of receiving compliments and validation. They could also put themselves down and hope others will deny their statements and boost their self-esteem.
Clearly, this is an unhealthy dynamic. Self-esteem isn’t equal to self-importance. Healthy self-esteem doesn’t require external proof but comes from within yourself. A narcissist lacks truly feeling valuable within. A covert narcissist seeks external proof by putting themselves down rather than by arrogance or dominance.
If a person could validate and appreciate themselves enough, it wouldn’t be necessary to seek approval and favor. Clearly, they do need this confirmation. It makes a narcissist fully dependent on the opinions of others and this results in disturbed energy.
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10. Depression And Anxiety
A person with covert narcissism might experience feelings of emptiness, anxiety, and depression. This is not surprising due to their disturbed reality, withdrawn nature, insecurity and inability to connect with others. A narcissist has a fully dependent mind and therefore disturbed energy.
It all results in unhealthy dynamics and can thus be emotionally draining for the narcissist themselves as well as to their environment. A covert narcissist can’t fulfil their own standards and idealized expectations. They need to deal with a constant fear of failure as well. It can thus be hard to deal with reality, which possibly results in anxiety and depression.
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When possibly dealing with a covert narcissist, it’s important to focus on behaviour shown and the effect it has on you. Clearly, it’s very unhealthy if you don’t recognize what’s going on and this person is emotionally abusing you without you even realizing it.
If someone’s behaviour causes you to feel guilty, doubtful or shameful, it’s important to ask yourself honest questions about whether this person, in general, has a positive influence on your energy.
Are you being treated as an individual human being with your own feelings and needs? Or do you feel pressure and a lack of empathy?
If you feel like your energy is being (slowly) drained, you might be dealing with a toxic or narcissistic person.
When dealing with a narcissist, I believe it’s essential to be able to shift the attention to yourself again and work on awareness and setting boundaries. It’s important to be aware of which feelings are yours and what is projected upon you.
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Lähde:https://dealwithnarcissist.com/the-covert-passive-aggressive-narcissist-14-signs-of-a-covert-narcissist/